Why?

I've been sad. Don't get me wrong, I feel unbelievably blessed. I have a wonderful family. I have great friends. I love where we live. Then how I could possibly feel sad, right? Well, my trial right now is my weight. I know it seems like such a vain thing, but it is on my mind (bringing me down, making me feel bad about myself) constantly. I don't know how I got to this point in my life, but I do know that over the last 6 or so years, I have been steadily, consistently gaining...gaining...gaining. As a teenager, I was very active. I played soccer, I ran track, I ate crap. All that junk food I was eating was being burned during my 3 hours of daily exercise. I formed some very bad eating habits and I took for granted the body and metabolism that I had been blessed with. I went on to play soccer in college and became even more active and ate even more crap. Do you ever wish you could just turn back the clock and change some of your choices? I do. After getting married in 2004, I slowly stopped getting my regular workouts in and, guess what?...I still ate junk. At first, I didn't really notice a difference and chalked it up having great genes and a good metabolism. Shortly after being married, we were expecting. It was very exciting! Then shortly after having our first little boy, we had another, and then another. Within 4 years I had been pregnant 4 times (I miscarried one) and had 3 little ones. I never took the time or energy to change my eating habits. I never took the time to lose the weight in between each child. I let myself go. And that's why I'm sad.

So, here I am 2 years after my last boy was born and I weigh more than ever. I even weigh more than I did when I was 9 months pregnant with my little baby. I have tried dieting and exercising. It was always so hard and I lacked the discipline to stick to anything more than 2 weeks. It's just that plain and simple. I've never considered myself a "weak" person. I feel like I have always been strong-willed and goal-oriented. Why has this become such a hard thing for me to overcome? Here's my theory: I get a lot of compliments on my cooking and baking. I love cooking for my family. I love baking special treats. I love trying new recipes. I feel like I got deeper and deeper into this mess because I needed recognition. I was no longer hearing "Oh, you look so good!" or "I wish I had your legs". I needed to hear something that would make me feel good about myself. Cooking did that for me and when you cook...you eat. As a result of all that cooking and eating, I have some severe food dependencies and addictions. Especially to sugar. I sure love my cookies and cupcakes.

I'm ready to break free of my addictions. I don't know how this will be any different than my past attempts, but I just feel that it will. I have faith that it will. My husband is studying to be a Chiropractor and has learned a lot about nutrition over the last few years and we have come up with a cleanse that we feel comfortable with and that is do-able for a family. We are about to start the cleanse that will last for the next 30 days and will hopefully give me a good jump start to a healthier lifestyle. I'm ready to reclaim my health. I'm ready to be active again. I'm ready to feel light. I'm ready to be happy. And I deserve it!

Above is a picture of me in Dec of 2004. I can see that I was definitely unaware a picture would be taken of me. I'm pregnant in this picture. I had hoped to find a picture of my pre-marriage self, but since we are away for school, I left all my treasures and old photos at my parents house....far, far, away from me :(

Here I am with my 3 boys. My baby is 2 years old. I'm the heaviest I've ever been. That will change soon :)